Today, I received a rejection from the only job—out of the hundreds I've applied to over the past four months—that invited me to interview.
This wasn't just any job application; it was a small glimmer of hope after tireless months of applying to full-time roles and trying to salvage my DEI consultancy that I've worked tirelessly over four years to build.
Never in a million years did I think I'd find myself in such a low place, but here I am.
Each day begging for work and trying to prove my worth.
The sleepless nights are accumulating, filled with worries not just for myself but for society at large. The world seems overwhelmingly chaotic right now. 🍉
I'd be lying if I said I'm not terrified of what might happen if this stress catches up with me. Every day, I read and hear stories about Black women working themselves to death. Literally. I'm trying to learn from them, to do them justice by not doing the same, but it feels impossible. There is no room for me to take a break or to rest. Rest is a privilege—one that I currently cannot afford.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around the amount of hard work I've put into getting to where I am, just to fall to what feels like near rock bottom. Literally since childhood, I've been fighting to prove my worth, to earn a spot, mostly in predominantly white spaces. I matured quickly, learning to code-switch out of necessity, well before I even knew there was a term for how seamlessly I could flip-flop between worlds without conscious thought.
It's all just a hard pill to swallow.
Hard work doesn't automatically equate to success, especially when you're a Black woman in America. I've known this for some time. I've failed plenty, but not this hard.
I have so much regret in choosing entrepreneurship. And even more regret about dedicating so much time and energy to DEI. If I could go back and start over, I would. I'd do so many things differently.
More often than not, we only hear about the successes and achievements of Black women entrepreneurs. Often, I think, pride prevents us from truly sharing the lows and the failures. And I've personally been advised several times by older Black women to be "careful" about how vulnerable I am online and also with white people. But why? Why pretend like things are fine when they are far from it? Why not share my story in hopes that it'll help someone else?
Many people hear that entrepreneurship is hard and often lonely. And as a single Black woman in America, relying on oneself and oneself only (no spouse or partner, no familial support, no trust fund, etc.), there's so much to unpack.
And I can't help but think, when one of us ends up sick or even worse, dead, as a result of stress, there always seems to be this surprise, this shock: "::Gasp: Oh my God, I had no idea they were hurting! 😱" And I hate that for us so much.
I'm running out of gas, and once the tank is on E, I'm really not sure what's going to happen. I'm truly hanging on by a thread.
That rejection email today did something to me, and I feel like part of what I'm feeling right now is realizing that the person I was, that I've been, is no more. I have to mourn her.
I don't need any more "hang in there's," or "omg you're so brave for trying entrepreneurship," or any other empty words of encouragement. Respectfully, I just don't have the capacity at this point.
I need work.
I need work so that I can keep a roof over my head.
I need work so that I can pay my bills.
I need work so that I can replenish my savings (being sick last year wiped me out).
I'm tired of being in survival mode.
I'm tired of trying to sell myself and prove my worth.
I'm tired of searching and chasing leads day in and out.
I'm tired of being rejected over and over.
I'm tired of being isolated.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of not being able to spend time with my loved ones.
I'm tired of not being able to properly care for my mind and body.
I'm tired of having panic attacks.
I'm tired of not sleeping.
I AM TIRED.
During my four-year entrepreneurial journey, I've been 'hired' as a DEI consultant by over 40 companies—ranging from small to large, and across sectors like tech, non-profit, food & beverage, and retail. Most engagements were not one-time projects; I've consistently had repeat clients up until now. I'm really good at what I do, and that's something no one can take from me. I may have failed, but I can at least say that I dared to pursue what many only dream of achieving in this lifetime.
With that said, I'd love to continue doing more DEI work, more specifically inclusive design and workshops, but right now, I just need work (are you tired of me saying it yet?).
I need work. Remote work. Full-time, part-time, and/or contract. Health insurance would be a plus, but at this point, beggars can't be choosers, right?
Here are some areas that I'm skilled in:
Design (logos, websites [I've also been learning more about SEO], social content, flyers, stickers, e-books, book covers, you name it—check out my portfolio on my website)
Workshop Design & Facilitation (remote, hybrid, or in-person)
E-Course Design (I have 2 courses on Udemy that have performed really well with over 3k students globally)
Admin and coordination (manage emails, make calls, send emails, schedule things, create presentations, etc.)
Project Management
Program Management
Program Design and Implementation
Learning & Development
Professional Development
Writing & Proofreading
Recruiting & Onboarding
Strategy Development
Change Management
Problem-Solving
And several other things that I can't think of
If you have any leads please message me or just plug my name and contact info. And if you don't that's ok too, I appreciate you reading all of this, but please, respectfully spare me the words of encouragement. Instead, feel free to like and/or reshare this.
You can also support me by buying me a coffee, one of my books (directly from me or from Amazon), and/or some of my small-batch rice crispy treats.
Thanks for reading,
A